Bondo's Joke Page

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Pick a letter of the alphabet and I'll tell you a hunting joke!

ASK THE LORD

Ralph was a minister who neglected his congregational duties on

opening weekend of deer season. While out hunting he stopped to

take a break when suddenly he was confronted by the largest, meanest,

looking bear he had ever seen in his life.

The bear stood and advanced toward him, opening it's jaws and

snarling. Ralph in panic mode emptied his rifle without hitting the bear.

Dropping the gun, he turned and ran as fast as he could in an attempt

to outrun the bear. Ralph came to the edge of a very steep cliff with no where to run.

Ralph was terrified and knew he was going to be attacked. Seeing

no way out of his situation, and with the bear closing in

quickly, Ralph got down on his knees, opened his arms, and yelled,

"Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and a bolt of lightning flashed. The bear came to a complete stop and glanced around somewhat confused. He seemed to become very calm, and he was just a few feet away from Ralph. The bear looked up into the sky, put his paws together, bowed his head, and said

"Thank you, Lord, for the food I'm about to receive."

BIG BUCK HUNTING

A big buck hunter went on a deer hunt with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the wilderness, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted that they both try to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from deer camp, they came upon a dreadful sight. His mother-in-law was backed up against a huge oak and a big rutting buck stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said her husband. "The big rutting buck got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

CINDER BLOCK BUCK

Two deer hunters were walking down an old logging road scouting for the upcoming season when they came across a real deep hole. They go over and check out the hole and realize that they can't see the bottom. They drop a couple of rocks down into the hole, and they hear absolutely nothing.

One of the deer hunters said, "Man, that is a real deep hole!"

The hunters found an old cinder block, and they figured if they threw it into the hole they might hear it hit the bottom. It was a big old cinder block and very heavy. The hunters dropped the block into the hole and they listened very patiently.

All of a sudden they heard a noise, but it wasn't coming from the hole, it was behind them. They quickly look behind them only to see a huge racked monster buck bearing down on them. The buck had his head lowered, and moving so fast that his hooves may not have been touching the ground. This buck was flying, and moving so fast that the hunters began to panic.

The two hunters jumped out of the way just in time, and the monster buck leaps to his death in the bottomless hole. The two hunters were startled from the attack of the monster buck, and they decided to leave the area immediately, before they ended up at the bottom of the hole just like this buck. They were saddened by the loss of a good buck before the upcoming deer season, but they continued scouting.

They scouted until they discovered a farmer working a short distance from the hole. The hunters again brain storm together and figure that they would pump the farmer for some whitetail info. "Excuse us Sir, but have you seen any deer in the area?" the hunters asked. The farmer replies, "The only deer around here is one that I rescued years ago after it collided with an old pick up truck." The hunters then explain what happened at the hole and how they avoided sudden death from a rut raged monster buck. The hunters thought for a second and then one of them said, "Do you think that the buck at the hole was the one that you rescued years ago?"

The farmer said, "I don't think that was my pet buck, because my buck is real old and he suffers from arthritis. In fact he could never move that fast, because I keep him tied to an old cinder block."

DOE DECOY

These two hunters went deer hunting every year without success. Finally they came up with a great plan. They got themselves a very authentic doe costume and learned the mating call of a doe in heat. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck in, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing in their costume, and began to give the doe in heat call. Before too long their call was answered by the biggest buck in the forest. They called again, and the buck appeared closer to them. They called again, and this time the buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the buck strutted closer to the two hunters, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him".

After a moment, that seemed like eternity, the guy in the back shouts "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling on grass, but you better "brace" yourself!"

DISTRESS CALL

Two guys were out hunting and they got lost. The first guy says to the second guy, "What do you think we should do?"

The second guy says, "Let's fire three shots into the air, it's the international distress code."

They fire three shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says to the second guy, "What do you think we should do now?"

The second guy says, "Let's fire three more shots into the air."

They fire three more shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says, "What do you think we should do now?"

The second guy says, "Let's fire three more shots into the air."

The first guy says, "Well I sure hope someone comes soon, these are my last three arrows!"

ELEPHANT HUNTING

Did you hear that Neil went elephant hunting and ended up in the hospital?

He got a hernia carrying the decoys.

FAREWELL HUNTING PARTNER

Ralph and Dexter took to the woods hunting as always, however Dexter didn't know that Ralph put on his new scent free deer suit complete with antlers. Dexter thought Ralph was a record buck, and he shot him.

Dexter took his wounded companion to the hospital, and after filling out a few forms he waited. After several hours in the ER the doctor came out of surgery with very bleak news.

"There was a chance that we could have saved him," the doctor said, "if only you hadn't gutted him too!!!"

GREAT TAXIDERMIST

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.

The visitor asked, "when did you bag him?"

The other hunter said, "that was about five years ago, when I was hunting with my wife. It was a very enjoyable hunt. That lion is stuffed with something very special."

"What is he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

HUNTING PARTY

Bob, Chris, and Dan went deer hunting with a group of friends in Vermont. They split up into groups of three for the day. That night Bob and Chris returned staggering under the weight of a huge eight point buck.

"Where's Dan?" one of the other hunters asked.

"Dan passed out, and he's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"What?!!? You left Dan out there and carried the deer back?"

"Yeah, it was a tough call," nodded Chris and Bob, "but we figured no one was going to steal Dan."

ILLEGAL POSSESSION

This hunter was filling up his car last fall, and he got splashed with some gas when the pump didn't shut down properly. He cleaned up with a paper towel, paid, and left. He was very upset and knew that no cover scent could hide the smell of gasoline. His hunt for the day was ruined. A short while down the road, he decides to light a cigarette, and as he does his shirt sleeve catches on fire. He sticks his arm out the window, hoping to blow out the flame as he pulled over to the side of the road.

Just as all this was happening a police officer passes him. The officer immediately turns around, and pulls up behind him. He jumps out of the cruiser with a fire extinguisher and extinguishes the flames.

He then asks this hunter if he was all right as he pulls out his ticket book. The hunter asks what he was getting a ticket for, and the cop replied, "I'm writing you up for illegal possession of a fire arm."

JUST HUNTING

Deer Hunter: Why do you go hunting without bullets? Other Deer Hunter: I get a day away from my spouse, it's cheaper, and the results are the same.

KEEP YOUR GUTS

Two guys were deer hunting and they got separated. Dallas decided to take a dump and after hanging his butt over a log, he fell asleep.

His buddy shot a deer while he was sleeping. While dragging it back to his truck, he noticed Dallas asleep on the log. As a prank, he gutted the deer and placed the pile of guts under his friend's butt. After returning to the truck he took a nap.

A couple hours later he awoke to see Dallas trundling across the field. "What the hell's wrong with you Dallas?"

Looks like you have seen a ghost!"

"Well, I hung my butt over a log to take a dump and while I was asleep I must have also somehow dumped out my guts. I was lucky enough to reach a stick or I'd still be out there trying to get them back in."

LESSON IN DRAGGING

These two deer hunters were out on a hunt, and they were lucky enough to bag a really big buck with a nice set of antlers.

Excited and eager to get their trophy home, they grab the buck's tail and start pulling the carcass out of the woods. They pull and pull, but the big buck just won't budge.

Another hunter comes by and says, "Excuse me, but you might find it easier to drag that buck by the antlers." The two hunters are ecstatic to hear this! Thanking the hunter for the advise, they each grab an antler and start pulling.

A few hours later the hunter passes by them once again. He notices that the two hunters are extremely tired, but the two hunters were still at it, pulling their buck by the antlers through the woods.

"How's it going?" he asks.

"Great!" the hunters reply. "We only have one problem, our truck is in the opposite direction.

CLICK MY BACK PACK FOR A DEER STORY

MONSTER BUCK

A city boy went deer hunting in the country one day. While hunting he shot a monster buck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled over the fence to claim his kill, but the farmer had seen what happened. The farmer rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "That monster buck belongs to me!"

The city boy replies, "But I shot the monster buck, therefore it belongs to me!"

The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the monster buck. After awhile the farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way."

The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?"

The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up. The one who wins gets the monster buck."

The city boy, willing to do anything to get his buck agrees to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes of this, the city boy stands up shakily and croaks, "Its my turn now."

The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the monster buck," and leaves.

NO HUNTING

A couple went on vacation to a hunting resort up north. The husband liked to hunt at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of hunting on one of the Islands at the resort. He decided to take a short nap. His wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake at all, so she rowed out a short distance, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat, he pulls up alongside her and says, "Good morning. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'

"You're in a restricted hunting area," he informs her. "But sir, I'm not hunting. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all the equipment in your boat. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the woman.

"I didn't even touch you," says the game warden. "Yes, that's true.... but you have all the equipment"

OLD MAN'S DEER STORY

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace, he is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories that you'll never forget."

They woke the old man up and asked him to tell them a hunting story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a deer hunt in Canada. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a tree that had fallen, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and I fell asleep. I don't remember how long I was asleep, but I remember the noise in the bushes that caused me to wake up. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest buck that I had ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this

WHOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just filled my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have filled my pants too if a huge buck jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said WHOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

PLEASE SHOOT THE MULE

A group of hunters looking for a place to hunt stopped at a local farm. The driver went up to the farm house to ask permission to deer hunt on the land.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt here, but will you do me a favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and has a terminal illness, and I don't have the heart to shoot her. Would you do it for me?

The hunter said, "Sure" and headed for his truck.

While walking back he decided to have some fun with his hunting buddies. He got into the truck and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK to hunt on the farm, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that farmer a lesson."

He rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!!!"

QUADREDNECK EQUATION

If an infinite number of rednecks are riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks and they fire an infinite number of bullets at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce the world's greatest literary works in Braille.

REDNECK HUNTING APPLICATION

NAME: ___________________________________ C.B. HANDLE: ____________________

ADDRESS: (R.F.D. - H.C.R.) _________________________________________________

DADDY (If unknown, attach list of 3 suspects): _____________________________

MAMA: ______________________________________________________________________

NECK SHADE: ( ) LIGHT RED ( ) MEDIUM RED ( ) DARK RED

NUMBER OF TEETH EXPOSED IN FULL GRIN: _______ UPPER: _______ LOWER: _______

MAKE OF PICKUP OWNED: _____________________ SIZE OF TIRES: ________________

NUMBER OF EMPTY BEER CANS ON FLOOR OF PICKUP: ______________________________

TRUCK EQUIPPED WITH:

( ) GUN RACK ( ) MUD FLAPS ( ) CAMPER TOP ( ) AIR HORN

( ) 8 TRACK ( ) 4 WHEEL DRIVE ( ) AMERICAN FLAG ( ) RUST

( ) FUZZ BUSTER ( ) LOAD OF WOOD ( ) HIJACK SHOCKS ( ) MUD TIRES

( ) SPITTOON ( ) RUNNING BOARDS ( ) C.B. ANTENNAS ( ) ROLL BAR

BUMPER STICKERS:

( ) HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY ( ) HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS

( ) ALMOST HEAVEN, BUCKSPORT ( ) SNATCH KISSES AND VICE VERSA

( ) OLD FART ( ) I LOVE HINEY WINE

( ) REDMAN CHEWING TOBACCO

( ) WOOD IS WONDERFUL ( ) SAVE THE BLACK FLY

( ) DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING? CALL 1-800-EAT-DUNG

( ) ALL YOU ECOLOGICAL MEAT HEADS CAN FREEZE IN THE DARK

FAVORITE BEVERAGE:

( ) BUSCH ( ) STAG ( ) OLD STYLE ( ) FALSTAFF

( ) BUCKHORN ( ) RED WHITE & BLUE ( ) BUDWEISER ( ) OLD MILWAUKEE

FAVORITE VOCALIST:

( ) ELVIS ( ) CONWAY TWITTY ( ) LORETTA LYNN

( ) SLIM WHITMAN ( ) JOHNNY CASH ( ) WILLIE NELSON

( ) DICK CURTIS ( ) GEORGE JONES ( ) YOURSELF IN THE SHOWER

FAVORITE RECREATION:

( ) SQUARE DANCING ( ) COON HUNTING ( ) FISHING WITH THE BOYS

( ) DRINKING ( ) BLUE GRASS FEST ( ) FISHING ALONE

( ) RACE TRACK ( ) FLOATING ( ) DEER HUNTING

( ) APPLE BUTTER FEST ( ) THREE WHEELING ( ) RODEO

HOW MANY CARS DO YOU HAVE UP ON BLOCKS IN YOUR FRONT YARD? _________________

HOW MANY KITCHEN APPLIANCES ARE ON YOUR FRONT PORCH? ____ HOW MANY WORK? __

NUMBER OF HOUNDS: _________ TYPE: ( ) BLUE TICK ( ) BEAGLE ( ) BLACK/TAN

MEMBERSHIPS:

( ) NRA ( ) VFW ( ) PTL CLUB ( ) DUCKS UNLIMITED

( ) FISH & GAME CLUB ( ) KKK ( ) WACKY WARRIORS ( ) ELKS

BASEBALL CAP EMBLEM:

( ) JOHN DEERE ( ) FORD ( ) SKOAL ( ) CAT

( ) BUDWEISER ( ) CHEVY ( ) BASS PRO ( ) EAT ME

ARE YOU MARRIED TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING? (Check all that apply)

( ) SISTER ( ) COUSIN ( ) COUSIN'S SISTER ( ) SOW

DOES YOUR WIFE WEIGH MORE THAN YOUR PICKUP? ( ) YES ( ) NO

DO YOU WEAR MOSTLY POLYESTER PANTS WITH SNAGS? ( ) YES ( ) NO

DO YOU OWN ANY SHOES (NOT COUNTING BOOTS)? IF SO, HOW MANY? ______________

LENGTH OF RIGHT LEG: _________________ LENGTH OF LEFT LEG: _________________

CAN YOU SIGN YOUR NAME AND SPELL IT CORRECTLY EVERY TIME? ( ) YES ( ) NO

HAVE YOU EVER HAD MORE THAN ONE BATH A WEEK? ( ) YES ( ) NO

ARE YOU A REGISTERED VOTER? ________ DO YOU KNOW WHERE TO DO IT? ________

DO YOU WONDER IF YOU NEED TO FILE A TAX RETURN? ( ) YES ( ) NO

DO YOU WORRY THAT YOUR HOUSE COULD BLOW AWAY IN HIGH WINDS? ( ) YES ( ) NO

WHEN WAS YOUR LAST UFO SIGHTING? ___________ ELVIS SIGHTING? ___________

MEDICAL INFORMATION (DO YOU HAVE AT LEAST TWO OF THE FOLLOWING?):

( ) B.O. ( ) CRABS ( ) HEAD LICE ( ) BAD BREATH

( ) SCABIES ( ) YELLOW TEETH ( ) GREEN TEETH ( ) FLEAS

( ) RUNNY NOSE ( ) TATTOOS ( ) CROSSED EYES ( ) STUTTER

SIGNATURE (ONE `X' WILL DO) ___________________________ DATED: ____________

SIGN

Sign at the base of a deer stand near an active scrape:

THE BUCK STOPS HERE

TRACKERS

Dan went deer hunting with two experienced hunters, Chris and Bob. Chris says that he will go first, and he leaves the cabin and goes out hunting. He's back in an hour with a deer.

Dan says, "How did you do that?" Chris replies, "Simple, I found some tracks and I followed them, and I shot this nice buck."

Bob goes out and does the same thing that Chris did. Bob comes back with a deer, and Dan just can't believe it, he asks Bob the same question, "How did you do that?" Bob says, "Simple, I found some tracks and I followed them, and I shot this nice buck."

"Oh I get it," says Dan.

Dan takes his turn in the woods, and he doesn't return. Chris and Bob start searching and they follow Dan's tracks to the hospital. They asked him what happened, and Dan says, "I found tracks and I followed them. Wham!! The train hit me! "

ULTIMATE WEAPON

A 90-year-old man is having his annual physical, and the doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an 21 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment and says, "Well, let me tell you a story.

I know a guy who's an avid hunter, and he never misses a season. One day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. He enters the woods and suddenly a huge bear appears in front of him!

He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle.

The bear drops dead in front of him.

That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear.

Exactly!!

VETERINARIAN VISIT

A rabbit hunter runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room. The vet examines the lifeless body and after a few moments tells the hunter that his dog is dead.

The hunter demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the dog's body, walking from head to tail, and the cat finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the hunter and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The hunter is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks up at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the hunter and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The hunter, finally excepts the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$500."

"$500 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the hunter.

"Well," the vet replies. "I would only have charged you $25 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $475 was for the cat scan and the lab tests."

WIFE'S FIRST DEER

A man takes his wife out deer hunting for the first time. It's early in the morning and the husband is explaining the deer hunting rules and regulations. "Remember that if you shoot a deer, run right over to it and tag it, because if you don't someone else will take your deer."

"If you get in trouble shoot your gun in the air three times, and I'll be there as soon as I can."

The husband finishes explaining the plan for the morning hunt, and they both take a stand on the ridge.

Soon after sunrise, the husband hears a gunshot from the ridge where his wife is sitting. He thinks to himself, "Her first time out deer hunting and she gets one, I can't believe it!"

Five more minutes pass, and he hears three gunshots come from the other ridge. He thinks, "Oh great, now she's in trouble." Being the good husband that he was, he ran over to the other ridge.

His wife was on the ridge holding off another man with her gun. This man was pleading with this guy's wife saying, "Okay lady, he's a deer and he's all yours, just let me get my saddle off."

X-WIFE SUNBATHING

Bubba was stalking through the bush when he came upon his X-wife sunbathing in the nude. He pointed his rifle at her and said, "Are you game?"

She looked him up and down ... and up and down ... and up and down again. "Wow!" she purred, "I sure am big boy."

So he shot her!

YOU'RE THE BOSS

This avid deer hunter married a beautiful woman and after the wedding, he informed her of the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, and at what time I want, if I decide to come home at all. I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go deer hunting when and where I want with my old buddies, and don't even think about giving me a hard time. Those are my rules. Do you have any questions or comments?"

His beautiful bride said, "No, that's fine with me, but just understand that there'll be sex here at eight o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

ZEKE GOES HUNTING

Zeke went bear hunting. As he was driving to the hunting lodge, he saw a sign which said "Bear Left," so Zeke went home.

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